I Hired a Nanny
By Ilya Chervony · American Chanson
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She came to ask about the pay.
I watched my good sense walk away.
That tight white shirt, that wicked grin—
I held the door and let her in.
She asked me, “Do you have a kid?”
I smiled as if I thought I did.
She named her price. I said, “That's fine.”
My dick said, “Show me where to sign.”
I hired the nanny.
Of course I did.
Now where the hell
Do I get a kid?
No wife. No baby.
No goddamn plan.
One happy dick.
One horny man.
I bought a crib. I bought a bear.
I practiced looking like I cared.
I called my brother after ten:
He said, “Don't call here drunk again.”
I used to have some goddamn wits.
Then came that shirt, those pretty tits.
Some men buy stocks. Some play it smart.
I bought a crib to play the part.
I hired the nanny.
Of course I did.
Now where the hell
Do I get a kid?
No wife. No baby.
No goddamn plan.
One happy dick.
One horny man.
A king-size bed.
An empty crib.
Guess who took charge?
My fucking dick.
She came on Monday, right at eight.
I told the truth. A little late.
She saw the crib. Her face went red.
She took one breath, then shook her head.
“You thought you'd get me into bed?
Go f*ck yourself instead,” she said.
She kept the cash and left at ten.
I swore I'd use my head again.
I hired the nanny.
Of course I did.
Now where the hell
Do I get a kid?
No wife. No baby.
Just me and that bear.
I paid for a nanny.
She ain't even there.
The nanny's gone.
The bill is paid.
To hell with kids—
I'll hire a maid.